Amy and Bonnie at the Movies

Upon hearing about Bonnie's experience with Amy during Hellboy 2, I couldn't help but see vividly exactly what happened in the theater.

Amy, realizing that her imagination has only been cultivated on prosaic and languid programming like The Biggest Loser and American Idol and is thus unprepared for the mindblowing awesomeness she's seeing on the screen, decides she needs an expert imaginarian to translate the images she's seeing so she can finally get what's going on, and notices Bonnie down at the end of isle, staring at the screen in rapturous abandon, and decides to go get the skinny on this whole "Hellboy" thing.

She stands, stoops to stay out of the view of those behind her, and charges the irate crowd ahead of her.

"'Scuse me, pardon me, coming through. Oops, a thousand pardons. Sorry, you shouldn't leave that there. Lady, move it or I'm gonna smack you like an Isle-hog at Sam's Club! See if I won't. Pardon me, scuse me. Psst, hey Bon!

"Oh, gosh WHAT?!

"Hey, what's the deal with that guy?"

"Keep your voice down. People are looking! What guy?"

"The big red one. Wearing the overcoat. Why does he have a big stone hand?"

"He's a demon. That's his RIGHT HAND OF DOOM!

"Why is it called the Right Hand of Doom? And why did you pronounce it in all capital letters?"

"Because it's made of stone, and if he hits you with it, you're DOOMED. That's why. Now can I watch the movie already?"

"Wait a minute, Bon. So why does he have designs carved on his skin? That's weird."

"Cause he's a demon. I'm sure ritual scarring goes with the territory."

"Okay, but why is he wearing red goggles on his head?"

"Sheesh, those aren't goggles. They're the stubs of horns. He grinds them down with a sander."

"He has horns?! Why does he file them down?"

"'Cause, it's too hard to get in the car with two-foot horns sticking out of your head. And you can't put on t-shirts either. You have to wear button downs, and that's way too preppy when your name is Hellboy. You lose all your street cred. The other demons laugh at you."

"Oh. Well, what's the deal with him liking cats. I don't get it."

"Amy, cats were the guardians of the Underworld. That's why he likes them. They guard the dead."

"Wait. But Bonnie, he's a demon. Cats were the guardians of the Underworld in the ancient Egyptian Pantheonistic religion. There were no demons in the Old Kingdom mythologies. Demons are based on medieval Judeo-Christian literary mythology. How can both myths be represented here? It makes no sense!"

"Because Amy, when he created Hellboy, Mike Mignola sought to syncretistically reconcile as many of the ancient religious, historical, and mythological ideas as he could to create a single, coherent world within a pulp-horror war-action narrative."

"Uhhhh...What?"

"He wanted to make any myth possible in the action-packed supernatural world of Hellboy."

"No, I got that, but what does "syncretistically" mean?"

"I don't know, Amy. Ask Dan. He began explaining it to me once, but I started listening to some pretty Irish lads singing waily Celtic music while he was talking and I kind of stopped paying attention."

"Great. Now, look. Why is that Elizabeth woman on fire now, and why isn't she burning alive?"

" 'Cause she's got pyrokinesis."

"I think I had pyrokinesis once, but the doctor gave me an ointment to put on it, and it went away."

"No, you enormous tard! Pyrokinesis means she can start fires with her mind."

"Why would she want to do that?"

"She doesn't want to do that. That's the point. She can't always control the fire, and it sometimes kills people. That's why she's always depressed and annoyed."

"Oh, I thought she was like that cause she's PMSing."

"That too. Now can I please watch the movie. You're driving me crazy."

"Fine. Oh my heck, why is there a fish-guy now?!"

"Amy, for Heavens sakes, why didn't you watch the first movie ahead of time?!"

*Blink Blink* "There was a first movie? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I did tell you, you ninnyhammer. On the phone last week, remember?"

"Uhhh, I remember something about a Golden Army, and an immortal Russian sorcerer, but then Lily started doing something just adorable and I had to get a picture of it for her scrapbook. When I got back on the phone you were still talking, and I didn't want to seem rude, so I just said, 'okay,cool' and left it at that. Why didn't we watch the first movie this morning so I could know what's going on? Don't you have it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"'Cause if mom saw a movie called Hellboy in my collection she'd have a heart attack and say it was the Devil."

"It is the Devil! Look, he's got a tail and everything."

"He's a demon, not the devil, and he's a good guy."

"How come he's a good guy demon?

"'Cause he was raised by the Army after WWII to fight evil, and then he ate the pancakes and was lost to Hell forever."

"Uhh, okay, but how com-"

"Dude. Seriously. Amy, you have got to stop talking. I'm watching a movie here. Ask Dan after the movie. He'll tell you what's up."

"Yeah, Dan's a nerd. He'll know all about this weird crap."

"Amy, go!!!"

"Fine!"

"Whatever!"

"Whatever!"

"Fine!"

"Scuse me, pardon me, coming through. Seriously, Isle-Hog, move those canoe-sized feet or I'm gonna stomp on 'em! Twice! 'Scuse me, ouch, forgive me. Uhhh, lo ciento, cabrona. Vaya pa la Mexico, ahora mismo! Jeez, freakin' illegals, sputter, mumble grumble. Comin' through, sorry, excuse me."

Amy looks around, noticing for the first time all the angry people she's alienated with her moving around and her incessant chatter. With a warm inner glow, she thinks about how much fun being rude actually is, and goes back to watching the movie.

The End. :P