Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Chapel on the Hill in the Badlands

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Amy has wondered what the story is behind this painting.



Steve, it turns out, knew much about it, and he wrote this in answer to her request for a tale.

This picture shows of a church where a mass murder/suicide had taken place. Native American Indians protested the building of the church because it was on sacred ground. The tree had been used for many centuries as a place of worship. Every fall they would migrate to the tree to perform the sacred prairie dog dance. This dance symbolizes life and death of the human race. We emerge from the earth, scurry about our lives and return to the dusty earth. The indians had warned the monks that built the church that they will perish for building on the site. Years and decades went by and nothing happened and the monks forgot all about what the indians had said. Until that fateful day....

Without warning a band of redfoot indians stormed the church and scalped all within. After all the monks were dead, the indians stabbed themselves in the heart. The birds seen in the picture are the souls of those indians watching over the site.


Yes indeed. Steve, it appears, is another seeker of esoteric knowledge, but he’s only given you half of the story.

This is the rest of the story...

In those days the Redfoot tribe of the South Dakota Badlands were arrogant and violent, having recently conquered the mighty Geshimash tribe who were known for being giants and magicians. The Redfoot chief, an old blooded war priest called Green Snake Man, was expanding his growing empire by moving south into the white settlements of Nebraska.

There was no border Green Snake Man would not cross, and no man did he fear, so when he and his raiding party first came upon this newly-built monastery on the sacred hill where the Redfoot had first performed the Prairie Dog Dance (it sounds more dignified in Redfoot), Green Snake Man was enraged into madness. He sent his raiders to slaughter the monks, and watched in grim happiness as his fighting men galloped up the hill, magnificent in their war paint and bone armor, whooping and screaming their battle cries and calling out prayers to the spirits, demanding victory and spoils to honor their tribe. Their war ponies were lathered and their lances leveled and steady; tomahawks whirling and rifles primed to fire, and Green Snake Man rejoiced at his power.

For any other monastic order, this would have meant a horrible slaughter and a bloody and messy end. But Green Snake Man didn't know that this monastery was built and populated by members of the Hatcherite Brotherhood, and the Hatcherites were anything but pacifists.

As the Redfoot rode in at full gallop, a volley of heavy slugs slammed into them from the repeating rifles of the monks, who were more than prepared to deal with any enemy. A dozen red warriors were cut down in the first seconds of the battle, and the Redfoot, being consummate guerilla fighters, broke off their attack and strategically withdrew from the field. They regrouped in the forest at the bottom of the hill, and their chieftains went to work on a new plan.

In the following days the Redfoot found, much to their dismay, that they simply couldn’t wipe out the Hatcherites. The monks foresaw their every move; countered the Indians’ every attempt to penetrate the fortress. No tactic worked; the strategies that had succeeded against the Geshimash and the Lakota and the Animal People were batted away with contemptuous ease by the superior warrior monks of Hatcher. Even the iconic spirits and totems had abandoned Green Snake Man, and no prayer or sacrifice by he or his council of shaman could call up a numenous boon to defeat the monks.

A chief of his stature could not let this stand, for his very authority rests in his ability to lead his men to victory. In a feat of desperation, he sallied forth to the sacred mounds of the Others, to the vile lodge of the sultry witch Asalaninah, who wore a skirt made out of tanned and dyed skins of children and a poncho studded in copper coins, her hair red as blood and eyes black as sin, her teeth filed to razor sharp points. In the dead of the night she taught him the vilest of rites, and prepared him to summon and bind the dark Manitous of her people. The knowledge he gained made him crazy, it seems, and it was a different man who rode from her tepee.

Three days later, a sallow-faced, yet resolved Green Snake Man rode alone and unarmed to the front of the monastery. He carried no lance, no tomahawk, and no rifle. He held only a hollowed-out ram’s horn filled with a smoking and flaming bundle of ironwood shavings and sage and dried mushrooms coated with bear grease. A red clay jar filled with the heart’s blood of giants and sacrificed priests hung around his wide neck; the focus of his unholy power.

The monks of Hatcher were waiting, rifles at the ready, steely-eyed and prepared to do battle. Yet they were forgiving and kind and men willing to live in peace with the Redfoot, though each man knew in his heart there could be no peace but the peace of victory.

The head of the monks, the theorist Gabriel Chavez, met the Redfoot chief in the field of wildflowers. Chavez was no fool and was armed to the hilt, and protected from even the power of the spirits by his faith and his knowledge of things the modern world has forgotten.

Green Snake Man knew now how to defeat this monk, yet he knew it would cost him someday, but there was no stopping now; he’d come too far.

In the light of the springtime noon, Green Snake Man summoned up all of his power, and called in all of the favors he was owed by the totems and the spirits of his people for his hard work and sacrifice in their names. With the power of the dark Manitous at his back, he cursed the very ground of the monastery. He slashed his hands with his knife and bled on the soil, so that he could tune the earth with the anger of his soul.

He cursed the land, he cursed the monks, and he cursed the families each man might have someday. He blighted the fields so the crops would not grow, and drove the game far from the place so the monks would starve. He stole away the happiness of these men, that they might forever feel the pain in his soul.

Though Chavez couldn't understand the language, he knew from the cadence and the thunderous tone that Green Snake Man was calling up forces That Man Should Not Deal With. The skies darkened, the ground vibrated with unholy power, the birds in the sky and the dogs in the ground went wild, possessed suddenly with the malevolent, jealous, unliving manitous.

The knowledge of the ancients was Gabriel Chavez’ forte, and he recognized the unspeakable power at work. He could see the burning ram’s horn and the jar over Green Snake Man’s heart, and he knew to what purpose these were being used.

Chavez knew he had but moments to act, to save his men from a terrible Death Curse. So he drew his revolver, a big, handsome beast of a thing, blessed and engraved with prayers and the holy icons of his Order. In a flash of black powder, and an ear-splitting boom, he fired two shots that sounded as one. Each bullet sailed across the distance, finding its mark, and Green Snake Man suddenly knew the price of transacting with dark spirits.

The first bullet pierced the red clay jar against his chest, and blasted through it and into his heart. The jar shattered to pieces, the blood of giants and priests sprayed across his leathery skin and burned him.

The second bullet cut through Green Snake Man’s wide throat, and silenced his blasphemous prayers; he gagged on blood and magicks so horrid he could taste the fetid stain they left on his soul.

The deal wasn’t finished; the curse not yet complete. He had many foul prayers left to say. But the wound in his neck left him speechless, his voice ruined and he choked; his heart no longer pumping its life giving burden.

“Never call up That Which You Cannot Put Down,” said Gabriel to the dying chief. “The monsters take you and your foul sorceries to Hell. May your people be wiser than you, you foul thing. And may God have mercy on your soul.”

And so it happened, the dark Manitous of the Others wrenched Green Snake Man’s soul away from his meat; the curse left only half finished. His body smoldered, and was consumed from within by a frightful and malignant hellfire. In an eye-searing pyre, it took the chief and his pony right there among the colorful flowers, while his warriors at the foot of hill looked on in horror.

Gabriel stood there, waiting, while the Redfoot fled, and knew without a doubt this day would come back to haunt him. For he saw at the bottom, one young chieftan who remained, and shook his lance and his prayer sticks in anger. In English he vowed he’d be back someday, with a party of warrior magicians. He’d cut the monks' throats and take their hair, and burn the hated monastery to the ground in revenge for the death of his father.

Chavez raised his hand and acknowledged the threat, and knew someday he’d have to face it and he shuddered.

This leads us up to the unfortunate day ten years later when the Redfoot came back to get even.

Chavez had seen in his dreams some unfortunate things, and he saw all his men someday slaughtered. So he sent nearly all his men west, except for his most faithful acolytes, and they remained to scour the Redfoot from existence. With their books and their guns and their strange clockwork devices, they waited for the inevitable end.

Chavez was ready to die, and he’d prayed for his soul and those of his men, who all knew their time on Earth was done. But he knew the price the Redfoot chieftan had paid for his vengence, and by morning the evil tribe would no longer trouble mankind.

The son of Green Snake Man had learned ugly secrets from the Witch of the Others, and he knew how to sleaze past the Hatcherite defenses. In the night they struck, the doors gave way and a hundred howling Redfoot braves stormed into the building.

A fearsome battle raged for hours until the early light of dawn, when every Hatcherite was found dead or dying. The last was Old Chavez, kneeling in the courtyard, his body pierced with a dozen barbed lances.

The son of Green Snake Man smiled a sadistic evil smile, and drew his knife to take Gabriel’s hair. Chavez was ready and waited until the final instant, and he drew a silver bowie knife from under his black coat. The Redfoot chief was too close and too late to dodge, the big cleansing blade slashing through his flat belly. He dropped to his knees next to Gabriel. His entrails spilled to the ground and he groaned and looked up at the old monk who’d killed him with disbelief.

Gabriel smiled grimly and said, “These are the wages of sin, Boy. This closes the vulgar loop, and now we’re all dead. The Death Curse has consumed all it can, and now it’s over. Your men will burn at the side of your father. You, my boy, will suffer most. I prophesy this--you’ll live long enough to see your brethren eaten by the very powers you've called up in your hubris. My people will live and they will thrive far away, and our children will be legion in this land. Yours, I say, will rot from disease and famine and self-destruction, ‘til they’ve withered and turned into dust.”

Gabriel died right there with his men, while the Redfoot closed in and took their hair and thus sealed their own fate in the bargain. The son of Green Snake Man looked on in dread as his men whooped and hollered in joy at their hard-won victory. That is when the loop closed, the Death Curse fell all around them, and the dark Manitous swarmed close in the form of a murder of giant black crows. Ghostly talons ripped through the Redfoot warriors’ very souls, and the pain was too great for the warriors to bear.

To a man the braves fell, and sprawled in an agony of Hell, begging for death to release them. For hours and hours their souls were consumed piece by piece by the demonic Ghost Crows. Their suffering was too great for a mortal man to describe. The only way out was to end it, and end it they did; each one stabbing himself in the heart.

The son of Green Snake Man watched it all in silent anguish, his life ebbing away from the hideous wound of Gabriel’s knife. In his final dark moments he saw what death held for him, and his poor tortured mind couldn’t take it. He screamed for his lost soul and his father’s and friends’, and for the poor dead monks they should have left well alone.

So death took him and thrust him alone and tormented, into the empty nothingness he would face for eternity. He screams still today in a voice that can sometimes be heard, on certain nights on that hill when when the moon is full and the crows sleep.

So remember this warning, and hold it close to your heart. Never traffic in Things Man Was Not Meant To Know.

And what happened, you ask, to the Witch of the Others? Did she live a long wicked life, or did she die young, as the Redfoot she damned? That’s a fine question.

But she is an entirely different story.

The End.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

It's Official

The Swimmer has assumed room temperature.



And we no longer have to listen to this kind of thing anymore.





That is all.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Blade Gets It Done










That would get my vote for best movie EVER!!!



This post brought to you by
http://www.cheeseandburger.com/

Scary Mary

Nichelle has never seen this little bit of awesome, and since she was watching Mary Poppins the other day, I told her she had to watch this.

So Nichelle, just in case you forgot to look it up...




Outstanding!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Falling Down

So after a long night with a nasty headache I finally got to sleep at around 5 o'clock this morning.

At seven thirty I was awakened by loud banging on my bedroom door. Being that this never happens, I immediately woke up a little panicky and I grabbed my .45, expecting the worst. I said something; I can't remember what. I might have cussed a little, I don't know, but a deep male voice called out, "Fire Department!"

Well, visions of the house being a smoking pyre of death filled my head and I opened the door. I could see two fireman standing there looking at me, and one of them told me that Grandma had fallen and couldn't get up. I threw my gun on the bed and walked out into the living room, and saw Grandma sitting in the middle of the living room walkway in a lawnchair, blood everywhere and all over her clothes and most of her arm a mass of blood blisters and bruises. It looks awful.

She did the same thing a couple of months ago, when she fell down in the back yard and couldn't get back up again, so she crawled into the house to call me on the phone to come and pick her up.

This morning, she was coming back from picking up the mail, and accidentally dropped a letter on the driveway. She didn't have her cane as usual, and as wobbly as she's been lately, it's no surprise that when she bent down to pick the letter up, she face planted into the rocks in the yard and skinned, well, everything. She's got a goose egg on her forehead right between the eyes and is missing skin on her elbow and forearm. It looks nasty. She hurt her wrist as well, though the X-rays were normal.

I took her to urgent care,the doctor told me she might have a concussion, and to watch out for the next two weeks for any slurring or headaches or her complaining of feeling funny. She's doing all right now, although she's gonna be regretting the whole thing in the morning. The doctor said she's gonna feel like she got hit by a truck.

My Anger

You know, I spent three and a half hours of agony in the Urgent Care waiting room this morning, listening to a noisy chick in her early twenties with a huge tramp stamp and a bad dye-job yakking on the phone and telling everyone in the waiting room all about her brand new shiny kidney-and-urinary tract infection and how her stupid jerk ex-boyfriend wouldn't watch her kid so she could sleep all day because he had to go to work and isn't he just an A-hole? And then I got to listen the overly loud TV as first the news, and then back to back episodes of Law and Order that the stupid nurse just had to watch came on.

This nurse was a big, black, in-your-face stereotype with three-foot long extensions and purple scrubs and was an unpleasant, sullen creature who I named Big Nasty in my head, and no freakin' wonder she was so awful, given the things she fills her mind with! Both episodes of that show she was watching were just effing filled with the most horrible things imaginable! I swear, this is what Law and Order is all about--the most detestable criminals imaginable committing the worst crimes imaginable, and the most detestable cops imaginable acting like sociopaths and committing crimes themselves to catch the criminals. I hate it all.

Have you ever noticed that people who watch this crap show are always depressed and angry? I have. Everybody who watches these freaking stupid procedural cop dramas are alway depressed. I've observed this, and it drives me nuts. Feeling depressed? Turn off the TV! It rots your brain, didn't anybody ever tell you that! Geez!

So after one and a half episodes of this excrement, I'd had enough. I grabbed one of the chairs in the waiting room and took it outside and sat in the heat. There I was, in the peace and quiet and trying to unwind without much success, until a few minutes later another one of the nurses came out and asked me why I was outside, I think because I'd taken one of their chairs with me.

I was exhausted and stressed and still feeling mean about the TV, but I didn't want to take it out on her, so I put a grudging smile on my face and pointed at the TV inside and said, "I'm done listening to that s*** on the TV! It's absolutely unacceptable! Really, I can't take it anymore."

I was trying to be nice, and kept smiling with my lips, but I know my eyes weren't smiling and I could feel the edge in my voice, and I think she did too. She was a pretty little black girl, and seemed kind of sweet and I towered over her, and there I was all sweaty and angry and foul-mouthed, and she got this look on her face like she was a little scared of me, which made me feel bad, so I sat down and told her I'd bring the chair back in when they got done with Grandma. She told me she'd turn the TV off for me and that I should come back into the cool office. I said that'd be cool, and brought the chair back inside.

I felt like kind of a tool, until I saw Big Nasty glaring at me from her desk. Suddenly I felt vindicated, and a little happy to have foiled her. Take that, Big Nasty!

Was I wrong?

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

300...Thousand

I must confess--I LOLed.



It's Bring Your Anchor Baby To America Day.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Preach It, Crazy James!

I found this video of James David Manning, PhD.

I defy you to not watch this guy in absolute fascination as he rants and raves, and at the end, you just might find yourself agreeing with him.

Friday, June 26, 2009

To Amy It May Concern

My original post in italics.

Amy's thoughts in bold.

My response in normal script.

From this...

to dan it may concern

I dedicate this post to my eldest bro, Dan...who both confuses and inspires.

((1. First of all, explain the ancient Zapotec medical practices you used to cure your Solar Urticaria in June of 2003, and why did you make me travel hundreds of miles through rough, scorpion-infested country to a plywood roadside tienda two kilometers outside of Compuertas, Mexico, and buy seven (seven) dragon fruit from that horrible old snake charmer with the cat-skull bolo tie and pink top hat? She was an alarming women, let me tell you.))

For the Solar Urticaria, it's simple--

I merely kept myself on a regimen of 15 slices of the Zapotec heirloom tomato every 3 hours. Grilled, with a little roosa oil. As you know, tomatoes, when eaten, have protecting properties against the Sun's effects. With some anti-histamine shooters as a cleanser.

I HAD to have the seven dragon fruit because man cannot live on tomatoes alone. The licopene and anti-histamine overload was breaking down my immune system and I needed the antioxidants. Plus, they taste yummy on cheerios.


I'm impressed that you could find any heirloom tomatoes in SLC. The pleated variety are usually pretty scarce in those parts. Let me guess, you got 'em at Good Earth Natural Foods in Sandy, right? I used to deliver there when I worked at Wagner. Nice people; a little weird, though. They like their brownies and their Earth Liberation Front periodicals. And it's humid as all get out in there.

I'd never thought of putting dragonfruit on cheerios. The ermine-colored pulp puts me off a bit, and the seeds cause Ulcerative Colitis in 23% of people, or so they tell me.




((I mean really, I had to RENT a ’79 Ford Granada with gold spinners and an aftermarket spoiler for two-hundred and fifty bucks in Naco, drive that rattling death trap across 110 degree desert, and then I had to pay a cop some hefty la mordida to get those nasty fruits back across the border, and when I finally got back to SLC and took ‘em to your place, you just said, “thanks Dannyboy” and slammed the door in my face. I have to admit, I never saw the red boils on your ears again, so I guess it was worth it, but no explanation at all? Not the first time, either, I might add.))

Why did I send you to the horrible old snake charmer with the cat-skull bolo tie and pink top hat? I just thought that would be funny. And it was. I laugh every time I think about how you came back smelling like the inside of a rotting pork and bean can...which, I might add is why I had to turn you away. I was suffering enough. The stunned look on your face was hilarious. I was especially tickled as I watched you walk away with tears in your eyes, mumbling something about staring into the face of Medusa and being fed cat belly. Ha. It was worth it. After all, laughter was the best medicine.

Oh, let me get this straight. You sent me to El Cazador de la Muerte as a joke?!

I'd forgot about the smell, sort of. I think someone had died in that Granada, and I'm sorry to say that I did drink the water, which didn't help anything.

And it wasn't the face of Medusa--El Cazador just had really thick dreadlocks. But the worst part of the whole thing is when she blew cigar smoke in my face, spit a mouthful of mescal on my left sleeve and said this in an old man's growl...


Agua para la sed la que reclamas
con esa fe que mueve el pensamiento;
con esa majestar que es sentimiento
de todo lo que sufres porque amas.

El olfato de muerte te ha seguido
se respira el incienso de la casa
y en el petate yace lo que ha sido:


Do you have any idea how unsettling that was? And then she made me put on a red heart milagro with fingerbones dangling off the chain, and told me to drive widdershins around the mountain while gulping down some kind of nasty hot corn drink.

The cat belly wasn't too bad, though--it was the salsa mole they poured over the top of it; stuff tasted like unbleached brake cleaner. Yuck.




((2. You could also tell us what you think the REAL cause of death was for Michael Jackson, The King of Pop, and why you think I give a crap.))

You should give a crap because just think of where the world would be without the Moon Walk.

Okay, I'll give you that.




((3. So. What do you think of miniature bibles and haircuts and compressed air pogo sticks? Just curious.))

Mini bibles are cool. You just can't take a regular sized bible with you on bike rides or to the zoo.

I give haircuts two solid thumbs up and I know Fonzi would agree.

I'm down with compressed air pogo sticks so long as who ever rides one falls off and someone is there to video tape it.


I agree. There really needs to be a whole category of pogo crash vids on Failblog.org.




((4. I’ve been hearing rumors about the Duchesne Redneck Ninja League that’s been training in the mountains north of your house. I hear dey got mad skilz. You seen any around? I hear they prefer lifted Ford trucks and baseball caps and Levis, and they often use dogs as early warning systems and perimeter security.))


These are just the drunk Indians that were thrown out of the Uintah White Trash Spartan Crew. They were mad. I mean, wouldn't you be? They figured since they have the U.S. government in their back pocket that they should be allowed in such groups.

As far as their skills...You would actually be pretty impressed at how well they rassle after downing 4 1/2 jugs of Irish single malt.

Incidentally, if there was ever a battle between a ninja and a Spartan, the Spartan would win every time.

So says Deadliest Warrior.


And they would know (not really).

Now, I've actually heard of the Uintah White Trash Spartans(UWTS). Aside: UWTS--the Utes? No wonder the Indians were pissed they got tossed.

As I recall, the Uintah White Trash Spartans had employed Sean Penn as their celebrity spokesman until the Incident at the Sundance Film Festival of 2008. According to the rumors, he jumped up shirtless before a crowd of dozens, his tank-top tan blowin' in the breeze, a bottle of Mythos Fine Lager in one hand and an orange flag in the other, and screamed, "This! Is! Uuuuuuutaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" before kicking Michael Moore off of a ski lifthouse which set off the small avalanche that buried Matt Damon and Janeane Garofalo for an hour and a half.

Perez Hilton thought it was quite the scandal.

Good news, though. I hear the UWTS now have Kid Rock as their spokesman, to general applause.



((5. And you know, thinking back, I never heard the story of what happened when you were attending Westminster College, and took that excursion to the old pirate haven of Amelia Island in Florida, to do research with the anthropology department and the Westminster College Mustache Club. The Mustache Club!?

What was it that you found on that creaky old Victorian plantation? And why did you spend a week after you got back curled up in the fetal position on the couch, mostly asleep and talking about the Dry Tortugas and Kingfisher sloop in your fevered dreams? What do parched turtles and little birds have to do with anything?))


Look. It wasn't a big deal. I was in the Enviro Bio class. We went on one of our weekly field trips up the Wasatch Mountains. There was this guy all dressed in khaki at the top asking for volunteers to search for the glass eye of his great-great-great-great-great grandma--who was, coincidentally, the great pirate queen Iron Eliza Sophie McPhearson. He promised 500,000 doubloons to whoever found the eye.

I was the first to volunteer. You see, I had been to Amelia Island before. The Man in Khaki didn't remember me. Right after high school, I was recruited by his uncle to make the same excursion. We had gotten so close back then and I had a pretty good idea of where the glass eye was.

Our group needed to be secretive. With Cuba to the south and Georgians to the north, we had to be sneaky. The Stache Club (as we called it back then) came because, really, men in mustaches are creepy and people generally stir clear of them. The fact that they had a couple women in the club was even more to our benefit. Plus, they didn't get invites to many places.

Maybe it was pity.

Maybe it was just a clever ruse.

You can put the rest together. Yes, I did find the glass eye of Iron Eliza. I decided I could get more than the Man in Khaki wanted to pay. So I planned on taking it to a private collector I found in New Jersey. Unfortunately, I lost it in a Poker game to a guy named Crazy Burt Bellamy.

Four of a kind over my straight.

Strangely, the next morning, the Man in Khaki was polishing up the eye and wearing Crazy Burt's snake skin handkerchief around his neck.

Crazy Burt didn't make the trip back to land of Deseret with the rest of us. But we all knew what happened to him.

The Dry Tortugas...the Kingfisher sloop...the pieces fit.

It could have been me...

...if I had been better at Poker.


Holy crap!! That's what was going on?

Oh, Amy, no! If you had only called me, you'd be a half a million in Spanish doubloons richer. Gosh, if only. This is much bigger than you think. Much. Bigger.

First of all, thanks for explaining about The Man in Khaki and Iron Eliza. I'd suspected as much. The memory of that clever SOB has haunted me for ten years.

But I can't believe you played poker with Crazy Burt Bellamy. In Atlantic City, no less--his town! My gosh, Amy, you have no idea what was at stake, here! Let me guess, he beat your strait with four Jacks, right? I know I'm right.

That guy is one of the Underground's most frightening figures. I mean really, when he's in Vegas, he plays Assumption, with Tarot cards, at the freakin' Flamingo! That takes big brass ones. And they say he wound up owning Blind Joe Biscuit at the game in Louisiana in August of '05. He just hasn't collected yet, or maybe Joe made some kind of a deal with him; I don't know. Ken Hite isn't saying, one way or another.

Not even the Beulay Boys or Radio Guy in Mexico want to mess with him, and you go playing poker with the man?

I understand he played in the Assumption game on Lake Mead in '89, and lost, which is why he only comes to Vegas now during the fall. I know for a fact that he's a contender (a "jack") for the throne of the Fisher King of the American West, which is currently held by Scott Crane, out of Northern California. It's been twenty-one years, though, and the whole shebang is due to blow up next year. 2010 is gonna be a doozy.

You can find everything you need to know in The Wasteland. Eliot knew everything.

Stayed tuned here for all the news that is news. And lets us mourn for lost doubloons and snakeskin hankies.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The Christmas Noun, and Other Tales

I know it's the wrong time of year for this, but I feel the need to inject a little Holiday cheer into my June, and I stumbled on to some excerpts from a sweet and uplifting little Christmas story by my fellow forumite and nearly prominent Mormon author Larry Correia, of Draper, Utah. A mountain of a man who I greatly admire.

His work has always been inspirational and brings out the teary, maudlin side of me. So here it is, scenes from the heartwarming Yuletide tale,The Christmas Noun. Read it. You'll be glad you did.

THE CHRISTMAS NOUN

By Larry Correia

I’ve noticed a trend. Richard Paul Evans wrote The Christmas Box and The Christmas Letters. Then there was the Christmas Jars by Jason Wright. Now we’ve got the Christmas Sweater by Glenn Beck. Notice anything? All best-selling novels. All written by Mormons!

So as a novelist and a Mormon, I too am entitled to write a best-selling Christmas novel. Now I’m a slightly different type of novelist than the gentlemen above, so I’m not sure how this is going to work out. So I am proud to present to you, gentle reader, excerpts from the upcoming, as of yet untitled, Larry Correia Christmas novel project: THE CHRISTMAS (insert noun here).

I will, of course, come up with whatever the noun is as I go along. I’m thinking cookies. Or maybe a tree… or something. Inevitably however, everything I write seems to turn back into rampaging monsters or terrorist plots. Go figure. So here are some excerpts from my rough draft of THE CHRISTMAS NOUN:

***

From Page 2 Prologue Flashback sequence: “Well, I’m really sorry about Christmas being so tough this year, little Timmy. After your father was crushed to death cutting down that Christmas tree, and your mother lost both of her hands at the candy cane factory, and your brother died from that rare mistletoe allergy, and…”

“That’s okay, Grampa. I understand. I’m eight years old. I’m sure this will be the best Christmas ever!” Little Timmy said, just knowing that he was going to get that limited-edition Millenium Falcon he had always wanted.

Grampa paused to wipe the tears from his good eye. He had recently lost his other eye in a freak reindeer accident. “Well, here’s your present, Timmy,” he said, pushing the wrapped package forward…

Young Timmy ripped it open. It was a rock. “But, Grampa. It’s a rock,” he said sadly. “Where the hell’s my Millennium-Falcon? You could have at least got me the Optimus Prime with laser ax and eyeball cannon!”

“It’s all we could afford, Timmy. I’m sorry. Just remember that Santa Claus still loves you. Just not this year. Because we’re poor.”

Timmy looked out the window to where the neighbor kids were playing with their new ponies or flying around on rocket sleds. “You suck Grampa! Christmas killed my entire family, and I still get a friggin’ rock. I hate Christmas FOREVER!”

Grampa raised his fists to the sky and theatrically shouted, “NOOOOOOOO!” kind of like Darth Vader at the end of the last Star Wars movie, but without so much reverb. Then he died.

***

From Chapter 1.

Young Timmy grew up until his friends just called him Tim. But he was a bitter young man, who had sworn a blood vendetta against the spirit of Christmas. One year Tim got a job as a mall Santa as a condition of his parole.

On Christmas Eve morning, Tim was working at the mall, when he happened to bump into Sally Love-Interest.

“Well, hello, Tim,” said Sally. “Do you have any plans for Christmas Eve?”

“No, Sally,” said Tim sadly. “I figure that I’m going to loaf around my slum apartment, shoot rats with my .22, then drink Thunderbird until I pass out in a pool of my own vomit. If I’m lucky I might live through the night. How about you?”

“Well, I’m going to the protest. Industrialist-billionaire-Republican-capitalist Chuck McScrouge is trying to bulldoze the Orphanage/Old Folk’s Home/Teddy Bear Hospital and evict all of those orphans, old people, and teddy bears… on Christmas Eve!”

Tim shrugged. “Whatever.”

***

From Chapter 2.

Tim’s Mom was really glad to see him when he came to visit her at the Orphanage/Old Folk’s Home/Teddy Bear Hospital. “Oh, Tim. I’m so glad you could come.” She waved at him with her stainless-steel hook limbs. Tim noted that she had gotten into the season by painting them with red and white stripes, like pointy stainless-steel candy cane hands. “You look so handsome in your Santa suit!”

“Hey, Mom. I hear Mr. McScrouge is going to bulldoze this place today. You and all of the old folks will probably freeze to death or something I guess.”

“Oh, no. I believe in the miracle of the Christmas (Noun),” she said.

“The Christmas (Noun)? Well that just sounds stupid.”

“No stupider than Jars, Letters, Boxes, or Sweaters, and look how many books those sold!” his mother admonished him.

***

From Chapter 3.

“Bwa Ha Ha Ha Ha!” Mr. McScrouge laughed with the laugh that only industrialist billionaires can produce. “Foolish Sally Love-Interest. You really think that your feeble protest can stop my fleet of bulldozers?”

“You’ll never get past the Christmas (Noun)!” Sally shouted from across the picket line. “Because it represents goodness, redemption, forgiveness, and puppies!”

“I’ve bulldozed a leper colony, three hundred acres of old growth forest, a spotted owl habitat, and a homeless shelter before breakfast.” Mr. McScrouge said around his Cuban cigar. “Your orphanage/old folk’s home/teddy bear hospital is next.”

“Never, Mr. McScrouge!”

He held up his hand. “It’s pronounced Screw – Jay. It’s French.”

“Oh, sorry.”

***

From Chapter 5.

Tim ran into the room, his fake white beard twirling dangerously above his padded belly. “Wait! Where did that old book go?”

Sally looked up from Tim’s Grandfather’s chest of secret Christmas memories. “You mean that big ancient scary one bound in what looked like human skin and inked in blood? I gave it to those carolers.”

“That was Grandpa’s book of forbidden mysteries and Cthulu summoning!” Tim shouted. “He had it buried under the town nativity scene. When those atheists burned it, they freed the book!”

Sally was embarrassed. “Oh, I thought it was ancient Summarian Christmas carols.”

“The only song in that book is the song that ends the world. It will rip open an unspeakable hole in the fabric of space and time and turn everyone into zombies. Which way did they go?”

“They were going to sing to the old folk’s home,” Sally said. Tim spun and ran from the room. “Wait, where are you going?”

“To get my shotgun!”

***

From Chapter 7.

BOOM

Tim used his Santa hat to wipe the gore from his face. “Man… who would have thought that old people still contained that much blood! They look so dried out, but it’s like they’re pressurized or something…”

“Tim!” Sally screamed. “The portal is getting bigger. Something is coming through! Something big and evil!”

There was a scream of incomprehensible terror from the portal to hell. “HO HO HO” Then a sleigh made of bone and chaos exploded into our world in a flash of fire and a stink of corruption, pulled by eight tiny Hell-Deer, being whipped onward by a horned demon in a jolly red suit wielding a cat-o-nine tails made of Christmas lights and barbed wire.

“On Stalin! On Hitler! On Sodom and Fred!” shouted the demon at its hell-deer. “On Carrot-Top! On O.J. Simpson! On Rosanne Barr! Move your lazy ass, Ted Kennedy! Ho Ho Ho!” His belly shook like a bowl full of jelly. Poison jelly-fish that is!

“Santa?” Sally asked stupidly, as Sally was actually pretty dim-witted, but she was really easy on the eyes.

“No,” Tim said as he pumped another 12 gauge slug into the chamber. “It’s the Anti-Clause.”

“I’m checking my list, and checking it twice, and now I’m going to swallow your souls,” bellowed the Anti-Clause.

“Not if the Christmas (Noun) and my Black Tiger Style Kung-Fu can help it!” Tim shouted.

***

From Chapter 8.

The last of the zombies burst into flames and collapsed around the mall.

Tim slowly lowered the dripping chainsaw. “I think we did it!” he shouted. “We saved Christmas.”

“What!?” Sally shouted.

“Oh, yeah.” Tim shut off the chainsaw. “Sorry about that.”

“I love you, Tim,” said Sally as she kissed him passionately. At the beginning of the book she had looked kind of nerdy, and had been wearing glasses and had her hair in a bun, but by the end she was just in a torn tank-top and was looking pretty hot, in classic B-movie tradition. “Especially now that you have the spirit of Christmas and stuff.”

“I couldn’t have done it without the Christmas (Noun) and that extended dream sequence from the last chapter.”

Then it snowed. And the orphans, old folks, teddy bears, and special guest star Hulk Hogan had the happiest Christmas ever. Cthulu was displeased.

THE END



*Sniff*

It's so beautiful.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Happy Birthday, Bonster

Since I didn't realize it was the 18th until about five minutes ago, I didn't get to call today. I won't call you so late, but instead will immortalize your birthday with the printed word.

Happy Birthday, Bon! Now you can buy a handgun. Woo hoo!

You are 21 now, and how old does that make me feel?

Pretty old.



It's all downhill from here.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Why?

It is now 6:01 in the morning, and I still haven't been to bed. I'm not capable of sleeping right now either.

Even vampires get to sleep once the sun comes up. I've got a knot of tension in my gut. I don't know why. Probably something bad is going to happen. Or maybe it's something I ate.

I just thought I'd share.

I'm tired.

Good night everybody. I'm gonna go lay down.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

This One's For Jeremy

I thought he of all people would appreciate this, the funniest of all music videos in the history of music videos.

Does it take you back, bro?

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Okay, Let's Try This Again

So last year I decided to join a gym and get busy getting fit. Sadly, I failed on so many counts it isn't funny. The biggest hurdle for me was that I ran out of cash to continue at the gym, and by the time I got some, my gym had gone out of business.

It's all very sad. I've allowed myself to deteriorate even more in recent months. Once it got hotter, I began walking less at night, and getting out to do anything during the day is right out. I haven't even gone to the park to read in a month and a half. It's just too miserable outside.

But yesterday I went ahead and signed on over at a gym across the street from Jeremy and Nichelle's called Fitness Works; just for the summer right now. Got it cheap, too, so that helps. It a nice, modern place filled with all the goodies, but there are a lot of people there, and way too many women around. No guy likes starting out all weak and fat with a bunch of females present. It ruins the macho self-image to only be able to pump double-digit weights in the presence of a pretty girl, and then look in a mirror and realize you look like Grimace with a crew cut. Oh, well, I'll get over it.

I went there and worked out tonight for the first time, and let me tell you, feeling like an eighty year old man with arthritis SUCKS!

First, I started on the stationary bike for twenty five minutes on level 2, and by the end I was sucking wind and my hamstrings were as taught as bowstrings and felt likely to snap like dry rubber bands if I stood up too fast. Then I looked up in the mirror, and there behind me was a fit-looking guy in his sixties jogging along on the treadmill like he hadn't a care or a pain, and I growled descriptive curse words at him under my breath.

For about a month now, I've been fighting my old shoulder issue, and it hasn't gotten any better. I threw it out throwing a frisbee many years ago, and it took forever to heal. Last year when I started working out I tore it up again, and it hasn't been the same since. I blame the free-weights, and the idiotic notion than you train to failure when you lift weights, meaning you lift until you muscles won't work anymore.

I've been doing a lot of research on this, and it sucks how there is no general consensus on the subject of fitness; everyone and his brother out there have their own opinions on how to work out, and no two are alike. But one thing that keeps coming up lately is how training to failure is training to fail. Like with my shoulder. I worked it too hard and it stopped working right. I should have gone slow and built my muscles up to where they could take the strain.

So tonight I began using some of the ergonomic weight machines they have at FW, and I did a complete upper body workout without hurting my shoulder! Yay! The nice thing about the machines are that they allow for more control than freeweights, which make up for sloppy form while lifting, which is something I occasionally have. I was amazed when I was done how my shoulder actually felt better than it has in weeks. But I'll have to keep an eye on it and make sure I don't over do it.

Pandorum

Here's the trailer for a nice little sci-fi horror film that's coming up. Although it was done by the guys who did the Resident Evil movies, which I wasn't the biggest fan of, it is also the crew who made the still awesome and scary sci-fi horror movie Event Horizon.

For some reason, sci-fi and horror go together like pot roast and mashed potatoes, so any time someone comes up with a good film in this genre, I rejoice. And hey, Pandorum has Ben Foster and Dennis Quaid and some hot German chick, so where can they go wrong?

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Smacking Things

So in the vein of getting back into shape is the desire to practice my combatives training and gunfighting skills. Although a punching bag, a muay thai bag, speed bag, and focus mitts are a good idea, they're either expensive or hard to find a place to set up. So the idea is to go ghetto and come up with some underground solutions. The late Carl Cestari used to use a padded brick to practice his edge-of-hand strikes, so I'm gonna buy a brick. But more is needed for practicing palm heel strikes and hammer fists.

One idea a guy on a forum came up with is to make yourself a makiwara, or striking board, and bungee cord it to a tree, or sinking an ironing board into the ground and padding it up. Traditionally, the makiwara is a straw and rope affair, but modern versions use duct tape and foam padding. The problem is, I can't find any dense, closed-cell foam padding anywhere, so the project is stalled until I can find some. If anybody has ideas, I'd love to hear them.

I've also been practicing with my guns lately, thanks to the many training dvds I've been watching. Gabe Suarez' Combative Pistol Marksmanship, Kalashnikov Rifle Gunfighting, Advanced Kalashnikov Rifle Gunfighting, Close Range Gunfighting, Advanced Close Range Gunfighting, Shotgun Gunfighting, The Tactical Advantage, and Die Less Often dvds are all really good, and have been improving my skills, even when practicing at home. Mostly it's been just drilling; doing things like reloading, malfunction drills, and drawing on the move.

This stuff is quite interesting to me, and necessary in today's world.



Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Screw You, Hippie!

The fact that these hysterical retards are responsible for the implementation of actual government policy decisions makes me want to throw up. Honestly, I want to go chop down a redwood tree just to even out the karmic resonances of the universe.



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Are those really grown men I see sobbing in the woods like sissy emo teeny boppers?! The things some guys will do to get girls, although I fail to see the appeal of a bunch of smelly, stupid, unshaven hippie chicks who make that much noise.

Bring ME to a woodland cathedral and bring ME to this rock that has the most incredible LIFE...so I may sell this unlikely Wonder of Nature to rich collectors who might like a living rock.

These moonbarking madwomen take treehugging into whole new realms of cult behavior, possibly believing that if they keep up their baleful laments long enough, that nature itself will answer their prayers and rise up against Mankind, Earth's only truly destructive virus, and wipe us out in one fell swoop. I'll bet these idiots were actually cheering during The Happening.

Unfortunately, these people don't seem to realize that...

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Freak-o Crackhead

It had to happen eventually, and today was the day. I've met Born Again Priest-Rappers, snowbird geo-cachers from Chicago who know me before they've met me, geriatric retirees in bright red track suits who powerwalk backwards, Farmers Insurance agents who scream at their boyfriends like drill instructors on the rag (pass the earplugs, Theodore), and psychotic-looking trogs wielding fence posts the size of tree trunks.

But today was the first of his kind. The junkies.

I was hunched over my notebooks and Atlas, sweating like a boar in a greenhouse and cursing the red hot freight train that is Summer here in the Big AZ, when I was interrupted by the susurrus of a bicycle being wheeled across dry grass. Turning on my bench, I frowned at the intruder, a young, skinny, sickly-looking skel with patchy stubble, wearing a dirty striped t-shirt.

He was looking at me, which I found not at all to my liking, and right off the bat he started asking me all kinds of questions.

"Hey, what's up?"
"Having lunch?"
"You just get off work?"
"Wha'cha readin'?"
"What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

Okay, he didn't ask me the last one (that would have made me laugh), but by then I was already fantasizing about ssssqueeeeeeezing him 'round the neck until he couldn't talk anymore.

I gave him monosyllable answers and turned to the side, watching him in my peripherals. He inched up to the garbage can in the corner of the ramada I was sitting under and I saw him straddle the top tube of his bike and reach into the trash can and pull something out. Right then I started feeling kind of bad. Since I wasn't looking directly at him, I didn't see exactly what it was that he pulled out, but I was hoping it wasn't food.

My feeling bad weakness wore out, though, and I decided it was none of my business and started reading my book.

Still straddling the top tube he inched his way around the ramada next to the table I was sitting at. Real slow, and out of my peripherals, I could see him watching me. Creepy. I reached into my pack and unlocked my .45 from the kydex rig and made sure my big knife was in position for a fast draw.

He circled around until he was right beside me and I looked over at him and gave him the hairy eyeball, which he was immune to I guess, considering that instead of sitting down at one of the picnic tables farthest away from me, he decided to sit at the one Right. Behind. Me. and act all creepy. I hate that.

He was playing some sort of yuck-awful speed reggaeton music on his mp3 player, a type of music that sets my teeth on edge and makes me want to cleanse Latin America with fire, although I will admit to being oddly hypnotized by the perreo dancing that usually accompanies reggaeton. However, since he didn't look anything like Shakira, he got nothing from me but a half-hearted attempt to psychically compel him into jumping off the freeway overpass, which I still can't make work, I'm sorry to say.

Ignoring the waves of hostility rippling off my soul, he decided to yell out, "Oh, yeah, this is the SPOT!" To which I growled, "Where your body will be found." He didn't hear me. Damn you, Reggaeton.

With his moving past me and out of my line of sight, visions of what I might look like stabbed in the back with a long, rusty, duct tape-wrapped nail by a cackling madman appeared in my mind's eye, and I swiveled in my seat so I could keep tabs on him with soft focus vision.

He sat down on the other side of the table behind me, and started messing around with whatever he pulled out of the trash. The sounds were of wrappers and cardstock tearing, and I began to feel bad again at the thought of him eating park trash when I had a veritable feast sitting in my lunch box. I began entertaining thoughts of asking him if he was hungry, when he suddenly stood up and moved around to the side of the table I was at, violating my territorial bubble and sparking a violent reaction from my muscles, which by then were doing the thinking for me. I suppressed them though, and he managed to not get insidiously violated with his own bicycle; an act which my imagination had already built several interesting contingency plans for.

By then I'd had the thought that a reasonable man would depart the scene, but I don't like being pushed around by gutter trash, so I refused to walk away like a sheeple. Instead I circled around to the other side of the table and arranged my pack so it was pointing at him. I sat down and began watching him. How'dja ya like THAT, Turd Head!?

With his back to me, he twisted around and looked at me all guiltily. He saw me looking at him and turned back around. Then I heard him strike a match. Not from a matchbook, but a real wooden match. The wind was blowing and it blew out the flame right away. He sparked another and it too went out. Third time's the charm and he got it to light long enough for him to bring the freakin' crack pipe up to his lips and inhale a good lungful of happy smoke!

Good grief! Some people's kids. Why would he do that right next to a stranger? In public! Does he fear nothing!? No, I suppose not. And I say crack pipe, but it was probably meth. He had the look. All sickly, greasy, and mottled.

Four times he hit the pipe. Each time he looked back at me to see what I was doing, frowning and guilty and paranoid, I think. Working himself up to something, it felt like. He was making me a little nervous. By then I was getting the Hey, man! You got some money? kind of vibe coming off of him, and I'd put my hand into the pistol pouch of my pack, got a full firing grip on my .45, and was just waiting.

It occurred to me that I should probably just leave. He was doing hard drugs in the presence of strangers in view of the whole world. Obviously, I wanted nothing to do with that, so I stood up, slid the .38 in my waistband to the rear, and pulled out my .45 and holstered it in my waistband, just in case.

I slung my pack and grabbed my lunchbox, and as I started to move away, the skel turned around and said something to me. The wind drowned it out, and I looked at him and walked away, looking back to make sure he wasn't following me. He wasn't, but he kept looking at me, long after I'd reached my car and stashed my gear and drove away.

The park. The place where the freaks and weirdos go.

So what does that say about me then?

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Artless Streetfight

There's nothing like a steel guitar crying in the night
Nothing like a sawdust floor and a good 'ol friendly fight
I'd finally find my way back home and you'd patch up my face
But that was another time and another place
--Clint Black


So there I was, sitting in my car in the parking lot of Half-Price Books, talking to my friend Chris in Nebraska, when I noticed a disturbance in the Force. At first, it was a small, subtle thing, but that’s how it always begins; very small.

It came in the form of two punks.

They were tattooed, muscular white guys in matching wifebeater shirts, looking like trouble, and were walking with a purpose towards a small group of other guys thirty feet away from me. When they got there, I saw them and six other guys standing in a semi circle around something that was just out of my vision. All were young, maybe in their early to mid-twenties. There was a weird, manic tension in them, though. The kind of tension you see just before all hell starts breaking loose.

I was just about to pull my car forward to see what they were all looking at, when another guy backed up into my line of sight. A young white guy, fit-looking, maybe 150 pounds, with his chin down, shoulders hunched, and fists balled up at chest level-the classic stance of a guy who thinks he's about to get hit.

Suddenly, another guy came into view, a goateed Tongan or Samoan by the look of him, though not really big like the islanders often get, but solid and strong looking, with a magnificent afro. As he came into view both guys started swinging on each other like back alley brawlers. Now mind you, this is 3:00 PM on a Sunday afternoon in a parking lot of a major shopping center, but neither guy seemed to care that they were fighting in plain view of a slew of sheeple witnesses.

They fought in bursts. They circled each other, vying for position, and one guy would go on the offensive, lunging forward a step and swinging three or four times wildly, while the other guy would throw a few defensive punches while backing up and then they'd stop for a moment and repeat the process, while the spectators whooped it up and egged them on.

Both had guts, I'd say. Each was slugging and getting slugged in return, right in the face, but neither man showed signs of stopping for awhile. They really weren't good fighters, though. There was no art or skill or science to their fighting whatsoever. They merely stood toe-to-toe and swung wild haymakers at one another for about a half-minute to a minute (it seemed longer at the time), with neither man seemingly doing any damage to the other. As the fight progressed, they got sloppier as well, The haymakers got wider, and they began to laen back a bit and expose their chins rather than keep them tucked in. A hard shot to the throat would have been bad for either one.

The real problem with their fighting was that neither man was hitting with any power. There was no forward drive, no drop-step, and no torque of the body or hips. Nothing. The punches were coming from their arms only, and despite the fact that each guy got hit in the face at least 6+ times, I couldn't see any real damage to either of them. No body shots either. One guy with a decent shovel hook could have ended the fight with a shot to the liver, no problem, but they were headhunters only, and it wasn't working for either of them.

Finally, the white guy threw a flurry of punches, and the Tongan threw a few of his own. Then the Tongan backed up a few steps and put his hands on his knees, panting, and raised a palm towards the white guy in an I Surrender gesture. The white guy dropped his own hands, which had been poised in mid-wind-up, and he walked away. The Tongan walked with his friends to their car, and everyone left in opposite directions.

I remained sitting in my car for another ten minutes, until the cops showed up. Two cruisers passed me, and then turned around and pulled up behind my car. Why they chose me, I don’t know, but I opened my door with a big smile on my face and asked them if they’d gotten a call about a fight. The officer by my car said they had, and I explained briefly what went down. By then two more police cruisers had arrived, and I decided to leave before they arrested me just for not being horrified enough by the thought of a fight going down in front of me.

Truth be known, it was a good, clean fight; a friendly fight. Punches were thrown, dominance established, surrender accepted, and everyone walked away without any hard feelings as far as I could tell. That’s how thing were done in the past. You had a problem with another man, you both stepped outside to settle the matter. No cops, no BS. You swung until somebody had had enough, and everyone walked away.

It was a good way.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Bloody Beggars

Do you ever find yourself being harassed by street people? Do you find yourself having to deal with people you wish would just leave you alone? Beggars, con artists, hustlers, and crooks?

Well, I seem to be running into more than my share lately. Case in point: A few days ago, I pulled into the Food City parking lot intent on buying ingredients for salsa and baleadas.

As I was walking towards the entrance, I noticed a guy meandering along who, as he noticed me, suddenly changed course to intercept my path. Being the suspicious jerk that I am, I was immediately suspicious of this turd. He was a tall, reddish blond white guy, relatively fit and healthy, and walking with a relaxed stride. As he got closer I noticed his eyes were bloodshot.

He caught my eye and sure enough, right out of his mouth came the pitch. "Excuse me, sir? I just got out of the hospital and I need to get a prescription-"

Yeah, right. Prescription my shiny white butt. I'm bettin' on meth. You know how many times I've got the I, My Wife, My Kid Need Medicine pitch from panhandlers? Four times, and it has to be the new official sympathy con of the world. Sheesh.

Honestly, this guy's line is older than dirt, and I was unimpressed. By the time he'd got to mentioning a prescription, I had put my palm up in a one-handed Talk To The Hand version of The Fence, just to keep some distance between us, and I spit out a terse, "No, man!" to the beggar and kept walking like he wasn't even there. He said a few more passive aggressive words to my back, but I didn't care and he wandered off.

In the past, I would have given this guy the time of day, and maybe even some cash. But lately I'm getting real short-tempered and crotchety with these lazy skels who don't even try to be good beggars, and the fact that I know so many of the common panhandler's come-ons just makes me all the more hair-triggered irritable with these people.

It's not that I have anything against begging, mind you. It's a trade, like any other, and one of the world's oldest professions. But if a member of this dubious fraternity approaches me, I demand that more thought and originality be evident in the beggar's pitch, or they get nothing but contempt from me.

No joke, give me a new and heartbreaking Tale of Woe, or threadbare clothes and a broken stagger. Give me bleary eyes and a boozy slur, or gimme comedy or a slick line of palaver. But gimme a reason!

The tired old, "I ran out of gas and need to get to Tucson", or "My wife needs her meds", or "I need bus fare because my grandma's in the hospital and I'm an orphan" lines are stale and uninspiring, and no longer work on this weary traveler.

At first I may have felt self-righteously justified in shutting this beggar down and treating him as a non-entity, but eventually my wrath fell down around my ears and I began to feel bad.

But then I had a cookie, and felt better.

But then tonight I had another run-in with some more annoying people.

I stopped at Fry's on my way home to get some milk, and as I pulled in to the parking lot, I noticed four men loitering out in front of the entrance. when I got out of my car, two of the men were walking off while the other two were shouting out the website addy for some sort of dot-org group.

I was tired, and with a sign of resignation I squared my shoulders and put the most unapproachable scowl I could muster on my face. Both of these guys were scuzzpunks in gangster-noir clothing, shorts halfway down their butts, gold chains, and one had a sideways cap on his head.

When I passed them, one of them asked me if I could give them a few minutes of my time, and I growled out a sullen,"Not tonight" and kept walking. I expected to be harassed as I walked out of the store, but they were gone when I came out five minutes later. Maybe I hurt their feelings. :P

Am I wrong? Am I just an intolerant SOB?

Yes, I am. Sue me.

But one thing I can say, is that the art of begging will become an art form in the coming years. The depression will bring out anyone who needs a quick buck. So I suppose I'd better just accept it and learn to move like water through the demanding throngs of panhandlers that will be infesting the parking lots and street corners in the months and years to come.

For all I know, I may end up as one of them.

Friday, March 20, 2009

24: The West Wingnut

I can't believe I spent 40+ minutes tonight watching the latest episode of 24. This show is being written by people who are only there to collect a paycheck and spread their libtarditude to the masses. I actually feel a little embarrassed for the actors who were on the show this season. Except for Janine Garophaloahloah. And Cherry Jones. And Sprague Grayden. They can go pound sand.

Alright, I'm not going to bother describing this weeks' crapisode of 24, so I'll let The Amazing Steve from Dave Barry's blog do it for me.

Last time on "24", we saw that: Bill went to visit Edgar; The White House has no emergency backup power generator if the lights go out; Hospitals with important patients don't have very high security; If Jack tells you not to move, you shouldn't move; If you offer Olivia a job, chances are pretty good she'll turn on you; Jack will go limp if you feed him an Alka-Seltzer, but can revive so quickly that he'll jump through a ceiling to follow a bad guy.

9:00 pm – Jack runs to hide from the police, and happens to find a car old enough that he can smash through it with his elbow. He breaks out his laptop, which happens to be a Mac, which in 24 is traditionally the good guy computer.

9:01 pm – Morris is being tortured at FBI headquarters! Oh, wait, he's talking to Janis – it's worse than torture! Morris is trying to find out where Chloe is, and after going 'round and 'round, Janis finally tells him that Chloe is under arrest. Janis tells Morris to wait in the conference room.

9:02 pm – Larry calls Janis, who appears to have taken over Renee's role. Renee is busy talking to the FBI human resources guy, who tries to go over the FBI policy of cutting down to only shooting three people a day, now that she's on suspension. Renee listens in to Janis' conversation, and it's pretty much a recap of what we already know from last hour, which is Burnett is dead, and Jack took off. Janis recaps this again to Renee, just in case any of the viewers dozed off while it was explained the first time.

9:05 pm – Jack uses his super-Jack powers to drive, work on the computer, find the bad guy, send e-mail, and do promotional advertising using a well-known cell phone company that rhymes with Splint. He calls Renee to ask her to ID the guy Jack is looking for. She does some serious acting, which for her is staring off into space. Jack almost hangs up on her, but she finally agrees to help him ID the bad guy.

9:06 pm – Meanwhile Quinn, the guy Jack is looking for, is listening in on a police radio to find out if there are any episodes of "COPS" being filmed in the area. He happens to hear that the FBI is looking for Jack, so he calls Jonas to let him know that 1) Jack got away, and 2) Jack is an impressive operative. Jonas agrees that Jack is impressive, and is a bit worried that Jack is so impressive it could be trouble for them.

Greg, Jonas' assistant, states the obvious, and says that Jack might be trouble for them. Jonas thinks that once "the weapons" will be deployed, Jack won't matter. He then goes on a tirade about it being necessary to kill a lot of people but that "the loss of one soul is tragic to me", which indicates he might be very delusional, or the devil, or both. I'm leaning towards delusional, because he then tells Greg to wake up a bunch of people because they're going to have a sleepover.


9:08 pm – Renee finds Quinn's information, and calls Jack, telling him that Quinn is working for Starkwood, a private army company. Renee thinks that Senator Red Foreman knows all about Starkwood and what they've been up to, so Jack's going to talk to him.

9:09 pm – Larry shows up at the FBI, and asks Janis a question which he promptly ignores. He walks in to find Renee working on her computer. She says she was just finishing up a game of Minesweeper. Larry doesn't see this, and instead talks to her about Jack.

Larry walks out with a dumb look on his face, but it turns out he was just thinking. Somehow he knows, probably by reading in the script, that Renee talked to Jack. He tells Janis to do "some of that computer stuff" to find out what Renee has been up to . He wants to use Renee as bait to catch Jack. Janis goes along with this, despite her concern that putting Renee on a hook with a fishing pole will be a dead giveaway.

Commercial

9:16 pm – Mrs. President is already relaxing watching her television in the Oval Office, while one of her speech writers is working hard. Olivia wants to spin the whole Juma incident into a great PR campaign, and Mrs. President agrees. Ethan comes in the door, despite Olivia giving him the evil eye. Ethan put on his evil eye repellent this morning, so this has no effect on him.

Ethan tells Mrs. President what Jack has suspected – that there are still people around that helped Juma. He tells her what happened at the hospital, and that he thinks Jack made the whole thing up, since all the evidence about Jack so far points AWAY from Jack. Ethan says he did this to protect the president, and Olivia starts kibitzing from the peanut gallery. Mrs. President tells her not to be snotty.

Ethan tells her that the FBI is devoting their full resources to finding Jack. Since this involves Janis in some way, chances are slim they're catch Jack.

9:18 pm – Renee hands in her badge and gun to the FBI human resources guy. Janis jumps into surveillance mode by staring right at Renee in a completely obvious way, and talking into her headset. Renee leaves the room. Larry catches up to her, and wants to know where Jack is. She refuses to cooperate, so he has her arrested.

9:20 pm – Senator Red Foreman arrives at home to find that someone has involved him in a game of "Goldilocks and The Three Bears" – someone's been using his computer, and it was just right! He looks around, and sees Jack. The Senator says that he knows what happened at the hospital, and that Jack isn't going to be able to kill him all that easily. Jack correctly points out that 1) he would already be dead, and 2) all it would take is Jack's little finger.

Jack is convinced that Starkwood is involved, and Senator Foreman doesn't believe him. The Senator is completely convinced he's right, because they've had "investigations and everything".

Commercial

9:29 pm – More Mrs. President hugs, this time for Olivia. She goes out to talk to everyone in the press, who give her a standing ovation, even that ancient woman in the front row. During her speech, a reporter grabs Ethan. The reporter tells Ethan just about everything that happened within the last hour, which makes him the third or fourth person that has gone over that same story within the last half an hour. Ethan denies the whole thing, and then goes straight to Olivia. They argue about leaking to the press, and Olivia turns out to be quite a bit more rotten then we've previously suspected, since she doesn't seem to have a problem with throwing just about anyone under the bus. She just wants to get "even" with Ethan for pointing out that she's probably not the best person to be advising Mrs. President.

9:31 pm – Larry's on the phone with someone who's already looking for Jack somewhere in the northeast, which is a lot farther away than even Jack can get in 30 minutes, even if he was delivering pizzas. Janis walks in to tell him that Renee used some really high level encryption involving a combination of Blowfish, DES, RSA, rot13, and lemon juice. She says she can't decrypt it, but Chloe probably can. Instead, Larry goes to see Morris, who could also probably decrypt it.

Larry and Janis explain the situation. Morris finds the whole thing hard to believe: Janis is actually working for the FBI. He also thinks that Jack wouldn't have done what they're accusing him of. He finally agrees to do the decryption for full immunity for Chloe, nothing on her record, and a large cherry slushie. Larry agrees. Morris then makes the huge mistake of telling Janis that she's a witness. She responds, "What kind? Jehovah?" He ignores this as he gets to work. Hours of work for Janis, turns out to be seconds of work for Morris – they now know that Jack was headed to visit Senator Red Foreman.

Commercial

9:41 pm – Janis tells Larry that they can't reach the Senator. She's pretty sure it's Jack because the phone they tried to reach the Senator with has been tasered. Larry leaves with a team. Janis walks back to her desk giving orders into her empty hand, when she realizes she left her Bluetooth headset on her desk. She hopes that nobody noticed her doing this.

9:42 pm – Chloe starts to complain to Morris that he shouldn't have helped the FBI. She's really mad and points out that a large squad of FBI agents going after Jack isn't going to be a good thing – for Jack, or them.

9:43 pm – Senator Foreman asks Jack if he has any regrets. Jack sings, (to: "My Way")

"Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, I got to shoot spies;
I did what I had to do,
and I also got to shoot thighs!

I planned each sneak attack,
Each careful drive along the highway,
But more, much more than this,
I shot them my way!"

9:44 pm – Senator Foreman tries to pretend to understand what Jack has been through. While he does this, Jack finds a picture of a car accident – with Quinn in it! At first Senator Foreman doesn't believe there was a connection, but Jack quickly (even by "24" standards) puts the pieces together: Juma had a WMD that he used against his own people, and Starkwood probably helped him get it. The Senator finds it hard to believe that Juma had a Wild Martian Daiquiri. Jack tells him he means, "weapon of mass destruction" – a bioweapon. Jack thinks they intend to use it.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. It's Metro PD! Senator Foreman thinks this might be a setup for another reference to an old Saturday Night Live joke which has been done here before, but Jack believes it's really the police.. The Senator FINALLY realizes that Jack might be on to something, and promises to help Jack. Jack doesn't want to trust him, but he does. The Senator goes to the door, and it turns out that it isn't Metro PD after all – It's Quinn! He hands the Senator some bullets; well, not so much hands as shoots. Senator Foreman is dead! Jack crashes through a window, and escapes before Quinn can hand him some bullets too. Quinn chases after Jack, while the real Metro PD – the ones that don't assassinate senators, drives by.

Commercial

9:53 pm – Olivia enters the Oval Office where Mrs. President and Ethan are waiting. Mrs. President confronts her with the press leak, and wants to hear what Olivia has to say about it. She tells them both that the press probably found out about this from reading a blog from a famous humor writer whose name rhymes with "Brave Dairy". She says that it also might be a leak from inside the federal marshall's office. Olivia got the producer to drop everything by getting him to agree to an exclusive interview with Mrs. President and a shiny nickel. Ethan apologizes, but Olivia just gives him another one of her evil eyes. That one doesn't work this time either.

9:55 pm - Jack runs back and forth, killing a little more time until the end of the hour. He climbs a fence. Meanwhile, Quinn is still running around looking for Jack. Quinn gets mad at a lock, and shoots it. (Jack would have tasered it). Quinn goes into a building, and shoots everything inside just in case Jack is hiding. Jack, of course is WAY ahead of Quinn and uses bulldozer to knock over the whole building! There's a big fight. Jack plays with him for a while, and then throws a knife in Quinn's chest with a follow-up slam in the chest with a two by four. Jack asks when the weapon is coming. Quinn tells him that it is already here, and dies. Jack grabs Quinn's cell phone and finds a text message that says "Port of Alexandria. Yard C. 2230". Jack guesses that they're not taking about Egypt, and uses his phone to call someone.


Larry finds Senator Red is dead, and orders Jack to be shot on sight, which is better than shooting people blindly.

Jack's calls Tony. He tells Tony to meet him at the Port of Alexandria. Jack drives off, taking off a bit of aggression against a defenseless fence.

10:00 pm – Time's up!

NEXT TIME ON "24": ETHAN RESIGNS! SHOOTING! TRUCKS! HELICOPTERS! TONY! JACK! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!



Seriously? Bio-weapons? AGAIN?!!! C'm on! My giant mutant lizard idea was better. And who's the bad guy this time? Islamo-fascists? Japanese doomsday cultists? Iranians?

No, of course not. It's Blackwater USA, thinly disguised as Starkwood, a stupid plot device ripped off from the post-apocalyptic show Jericho. Only on Jericho, they called it Ravenwood.

Yep, the big villians who're going to kill everyone are NOT foreign terrorists, but instead an American Private Military Company based off of a real-life PMC that's been doing the job our own government won't allow our soldiers to do. Namely, kill terrorists.

This show has become a big stupid liberal echo chamber. And it's become a parody of itself.

So in closing I'll just say this...

24, you went Full Retard. You jumped the shark, and you lost me, and others. You need to go be with Edgar and Bill for all eternity now. We had a good run, didn't we?

But I'm through.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Google Talk




So I'm up on Google Talk as of fifteen minutes ago. It's a cool program, and easy to set up. You can group chat and even talk, if you have a headset, which I don't yet.

Anybody who wants to get on GT and chat, sound off and create a gmail account. We'll coordinate invites and whatnot. It's a good idea.

And you Utah people get Kyle and Ken to look at this. That means you, Bon. I have some thoughts on the possibilities it presents.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

They're Running Out Of Time...

To keep me from walking away from 24 forever. There is nothing about Season 7 that isn't absolutely retarded. Well, except for Annie Wersching, who's quite adorable.



But 24 has jumped the shark, maybe lethally. Since Joel Surnow left the show the hippies have taken over and sent the whole freakin' thing right into the toilet. I can't enjoy it anymore. This season of Heroes is brilliant by comparison. Hollywood has never churned out a more unrealistic, unoriginal, and schlocktastic plot in the history of television. It's like the writers don't even care anymore.

And the stupid Official 24 Stop Global Warming campaign makes me want to slap someone at Fox. With a car.

Spoiler alert!

A tin-pot African dictator with a dozen skinnies managed to take over the White House with a handful of subguns, a power drill, and a small waterproof laptop using Windows Vista. Seriously? The White House?

I can't even enjoy Jack torturing suspects, thanks to Senator Red Foreman and Madame President Hillary Cankles Waffler. The president's equally useless and equally emotionless daughter, Mizz Whiny Princess Waffler, is now set to annoy me further in future episodes. Why oh why didn't Juma cut her eyes out? I can't wait until First Gentleman Waffler wakes up from surgery. Oh, what an emotionless reunion that will be from the Waffler women.

Bill is dead!? Why? Who on earth would willingly sacrifice his life for the likes of Madame President Hillary Cankles Waffler?

I'm sure Angelina Jolie's dad will turn out to be a greedy capitalist pig with nonsense stereotypical greedy motives that only make sense to the Hollywood worshipers of Che Guevara.

And now Jack is on the run from every government agency and terrorist group in America yet again. YYYYYAAAAAAWWWWWNNNNNNN.

And how many reset story arcs are we going to get this season? I count four so far, with no signs of stopping. And what kind of WMD's are left that they haven't used already? Nukes? Check. Chemical warfare? Check. Biological warfare? Check. With the way this season has been going, I'm guessing at this point they're going to have to dig out the giant robots or mutant lizards or reverse-engineered alien spacecraft just to keep the audience from falling asleep.

Wait, I know! Time travel! Angelina Jolie's dad and a team of Chrononaut Special Forces are going to go back in time to 1976 and kill Jack Bauer when he's only ten years old and only capable of killing half of them.

Oooo, I got it! Vampires. They're going to release an army of vampires into downtown Washington D.C.! Wait, that won't work. Washington is already filled to the top with sociopathic bloodsuckers in Brooks Brothers suits and Gucci pantsuits. They aren't going to notice a few more walking the streets.

I get the feeling I'm going to be just a pain about 24 now. It'll be annoying to all who know me.

The only way I shall continue watching this POS season is if I can do it drunk.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

And Now For The Guns

Steve asked me a question about carry guns today for a friend of his, and I thought I'd share my thoughts here, since I can add pictures. If guns aren't your thing, then move along. Nothing to see here.

The question was, what .357 magnum revolver is sturdy enough to shoot a lot, accurate, yet is small enough to carry concealed comfortably? The answer, I'm sorry to say, is none of them.

Now don't get me wrong, the .357 is a good round, but you're always going to have to compromise on something when it comes to a carry .357. It's the nature of the beast.



First, for a small revolver that might do the job, the Ruger SP-101 is always a good choice. The gun is accurate and sturdy. The stainless steel finish is rust-proof and it's heavy enough to dampen a lot of the recoil of the .357 magnum. It's among the most economical, too.

The ideal SP-101 is the factory model 2 1/4" bbl. with the bobbed hammer. The bobbed hammer is a necessity on an Every Day Carry (EDC) revo. The 3 1/16" gun would also be a good choice, but you'd have to get the hammer spur cut off by a gunsmith. That's the way I'd go. I like a 3" bbl for a .357 magnum.

The downside to an SP-101 is that the triggers are heavy, and the the grip frame is the weird Ruger frame that is hard to find grips for. The factory grips are not my favorite thing ever, and I'd prefer some options. The Hogue grips in the pic are too long for my liking. I'd go with Eagle Secret Service stocks myself.



Next comes the Taurus 617. This is a good, quality revolver at a decent price point. Stainless is good, but you can get it blued. Prices run about $350-ish. A great deal. You can also get this gun in .38 special as the model 817 lightweight. Honestly, I'd be tempted to go with the light .38 over the .357, but then, I don't have an overwhelming need for magnum power. I kind of prefer the controllability of a +P .38.

The nice things about the 617/817 is that they are compact guns, but pack a solid 7 rounds. They're fixed sight, so that's one less thing to worry about, and the grips are decent, although as usual I'd probably replace them with something else.

The bad part is that, like with the SP-101, you'd probably want to have the hammer spur bobbed by a gunsmith. Taurus used to offer the 617 with a bobbed hammer from the factory, but they discontinued that model. You can still find them used on occasion, so look around. Recoil will also be stiff, and the Taurus triggers are a little rough, but manageable.

One of the most squared-away guys I know of lives in Brazil and carries one of three Taurus .38's, with the 817 his favorite. I'd have to agree with him on why he likes his. The extra rounds available may mean the difference between life and death.



Now, an odd addition to this list is the Rossi 2" .357 magnum. There are a surprising number of guys who swear by their Rossi's. It's true that a Rossi is not as refined, not as accurate, nor as sturdy as one of the more expensive brands, but let's face it, a snubby will never get shot a lot and at four yards in a dark Wal-mart parking lot accuracy won't matter. The nice thing about the Rossi's is that they can be had new-in-box for under three hundred.

Recoil will be painful though. Always remember that. .38's loaded might be a better choice.



Now we come to the Smith and Wessons. The Smiths are usually considered the best, and for good reason. They are the best quality currently made. Unfortunately, this comes with a hefty price tag. But we'll go ahead and name off some of the better guns in the different sizes.

J-frame: The Model 640- Five shot, 2.5" .357 magnum. My choice in a really compact .357, if only for the fact that you can put a Barami Hip-Grip and Tyler T-grip on it. Recoil is painful.

K-Frame: The Model 65- Six shot .357. Fairly compact, three inch barrel. A handy, easy to carry gun, especially with the Barami/Tyler setup. Sadly discontinued, but can be had at scalper prices used. Recoil is unpleasant.

L-frame: The 686, 619, 620, 386 Nightguard. All great guns, all insanely expensive. My favorite of the l-frames was the 681, but finding one is almost impossible nowadays. The 619 is a good replacement, but a little biggish and also hard to find.

N-frame: the Model 27, 327 and 627 are awesome, and also insanely expensive. As in $1000+. Fuggetit. But an eight shot, 2" .357 snubby is sweet. If I had unlimited funds...

I should also mention that Taurus' Model 608 is an 8-shot, 4" .357 at a very decent price.

General Pros and Cons

Now, all this being said, here's a few points on carry revolvers.

Revolver Pros- While automatics better withstand abuse, revolvers better withstand neglect. You could load one up and put it in your sock drawer for fifty years, then pull it out with dust bunnies hanging all over it and it will probably still go bang.

Revolvers are reliable, in that if you have a bum cartridge all it takes is another pull of the trigger to line up and fire the next chamber. No messy tap-rack-bang drills here. Just pull the trigger.

They're simple and easy to use. Point and pull simplicity. The snubbies draw quickly thanks to the short barrels, and the round handles are easy to find and acquire under stress. Snubbies are also tough to disarm, and they don't bind or jam if you have to shove one up against a guy's chest and pull the trigger in a self-defense situation.

Revolver Cons- Heavy, long trigger pulls make longer shots more difficult. The hammer spur needs to be taken off of a gun meant to be concealed, as the hammer catches on clothing and flesh when pulled quickly. Ouch. The cylinders are bulky and uncomfortable when carried inside the waistband, unless you have a S&W with the Barami/Tyler set-up, which is what I use on mine. Revolvers also have limited ammo capacity, and reloading is slow. Carrying extra ammo is also a pain.

The revolver is a good choice, but the auto is better as an EDC gun. Faster shooting, faster reloading, higher capacity, more comfortable to carry, and spare ammo is easy to pack around.

But that's another subject entirely.